My Destiny

sigh...ytd was friday
cell grp day
which made me scared and nervous for the whole of thu
it was at clarke quay riverwalk
i didnt dare to tell my parents it was there
i just let them think it was the usual place bukit gombak
but i guess it was another big mistake......
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i avoided telling them
but ytd when cg ended my mum called me
i really couldnt hide anymore so i said i was at clarke quay
then a very cold conversation began
the whole call was abt 20mins
but it felt like the worst conversation i had
actually most of the time my mum was silent
making me kept checking my phone
whether she already hanged up on me
(she did that very often recently)

she was silent a lot of times
but whenever she speaks a sentence
it feels literally like there is a knife cutting my heart
some of the words that really really really hurt
"the biggest mistake of my life is letting u go to City Harvest"
watever she said i did not say anything
but wat my heart was saying
"joining City Harvest is the firmest choice i made in my life"

"u lied to me, ur betraying my trust"
but mum i didnt lie if i wanted to lie i would have told u it is at bukit gombak
i didnt.....
i didnt...........
I DIDNT!!!!
i wan to be a Christian who dun lie
lying is a sin
i really dun wan to sin anymore
thus when u called me i confessed.....
i CONFESSED i was at clarke quay
I ACTUALLY CONFESSED!!!!
becaz i was guilty i guessed

but mum if i really wan to lie to u
i would lie to u till the end
but i didnt.
I didnt.

I said nothing when she said that
just trying very hard to concentrate on not letting tears fall
Chee leng was beside me all the time
i could tell she was very worried for me also
but i really could not form words to talk to her
to assure her i'm fine
becaz i really dun feel fine
fine was the last feeling that i felt at that moment.....
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dun feel like remembering wat she said anymore
Catherine said before even though the words hurt
do not keep it into my heart
but these words.......
these words.........
i really duno.
Jesus Jesus....
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during the mrt trip back home from clarke quay
i actually thought of stop going cell grp for a month
to actually give more time to my parents to accept my new lifestyle
but i really dun wish to
my heart actually hurts when i think abt this

then i also thought of stop going church for a while
after lesson 14 of Sermon on the Mount ended
it is currently at lesson 11 today
cause that is the last lesson of the very meaningful msg
my heart ache till i feel like suffocating

but do u know wat
i went to CHC website just now
right on the homepage
"The exciting Sermon On The Mount(SOTM) was originally scheduled to be completed by 14 lessons, but it has been expanded to 22 lessons."
my heart stopped for a split sec and i stared at the announcement for some time

THIS IS WAT I CALLED GOD'S DOING!!!!!!
i immediately stopped the idea of not going to church for one month!!!
i couldnt bear not to also!!!!

however i duno abt the cell grp thingy
should i still continue
or should i really stop temporary

feel like the tighter i'm trying to hold on to God
the lesser i'm getting out of him
and when i opened my hands
i can only see air in it
Jesus is this a test ur giving me???
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Jesus i let u do ur will
u will decide for me

Dear Heavenly Father
dad is flying to Jakarta on monday
he is coming back on friday late afternoon
if he comes back on friday without delaying
i will continue to go for cell grp without stopping
which is wat i really really hope will happen!!!!

if he delays for a day or more
i will stop going for cell grp after my exams for a month
but plz plz plz dun let this happen

Jesus i commend myself into ur loving hands
in ur precious and almighty name
AMEN