God help me.....

it had been a long time since i updated
busy with FA test and projects
didnt feel like updating but very heartbroken abt something
need to let it go
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it happened on 14/07/07
the day i went for sat svc
i had bear a terrible consequences for it
i feel that i'm a selfish inconsiderate stupid idiot worthless prat!!!!!
i'm very tired and sick
physically and mentally

my parents and sister had a car accident when i was at church around 6pm plus
a lorry banged into them at the back
the car was a little dented towards inside
but they are not hurt
my mum said if i had been with them and not insisting on going church
they would not meet with the accident
they would not have went that path
it is God's will she said....

when i came back from church
she scolded me for 3 hours all the way till almost 2am
she say who will spend 6hrs in church
every wk i go church we will quarrel
she is sick and tired of me
dun wanna talk to me
dun wanna bother me anymore
said between her and my church friends
i gave her up
when i left the car and go church she said her heart broke
and tears had fell
she said the whole family without me like wandering aimlessly in shopping malls
even my father told her
saying i grown up no need them anymore
she said she nv used to dislike my friends in the past
but now she really hate CHC and all my church friends
biggest mistake in her life is letting me go CHC
she said i betrayed her
she lost the 18yrs daughter
said i was very cruel to her

and i really cannot stand it when she...
when she....
she thank me for making her wake up
letting her know that she wasted all her time and effort the past 18yrs
she said everything in a broken and crying voice
she said i'm brainwashed
she said i wil nv be able to change her and my dad...EVER!!!!

my heart is bleeding present tense still bleeding since sat
how do i study with all these thoughts in my mind
i screwed up my FA also i guess
everytime when i stared at the notes
my mind will be filled with her words
and tears will start to blur my vision

Lord i'm in pain and suffering
can u deliver me from all these
when will it stops
i dun wanna give up
i dun wanna let go
but i might not be able to hold on for long
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so friends i just wanna say
appreciate the freedom and trust ur parents placed in u
not everyone has it
not everyone will have it
dun wait till a pt where it is like my circumstances
then u regret
it might be too late for repairs
cause the damage is done
the hurt is forever encraved inside ur heart
nothing will be able to undo it
cause we cant turn time back