i think i'm also like dear chee leng
late studying over the last wk have disrupted my sleeping hrs
i'm wide awake despite waking at 7am today and nv rested at all
and it is 1.40am as i type this blog....
i remember something i wanna post that i didnt in the afternoon
it happened on sun morning
i duno whether to cry or laugh at the matter
but i must say it really affected me a lot
i happily wake up early in morning at 6.45am
preparing to go for 9.30am church svc at expo (i live in woodlands btw)
journey is abt 1hr 30mins+
really looking forward to it
coz i didnt went last wk svc at all
due to being sicked at home for the whole wk
i still have the after effects of cough and a bit flu
happily had a shower and was refilling my water bottle
all changed and ready to go in 5mins
when my mum say "Tiffany"
i had a shocked and jumped a little
coz it was really early and it's sun
and she slp at 1am last night with me
she said my dad is awake and wan to talk with me
(he normally slp till 10am de)
as usual the result is he say i cannot go svc this wk
coz i got exams on monday (stupid fmkt!!!)
i argued with him for a while
and he asked me to go study right at that moment
7.15AM ON A SUN MORNING
to be honest i havent studied finished yet
and i planned to study on the 1hr train
but i really nv expect him to purposely
YES PURPOSELY wake up so early
TO STOP ME FROM GG CHURCH SVC
and he was even taking midnight 1am flight to china
end results i lost of course
i realise i can nv ever win my dad in arguments
and i was soooooo angry
that i knowing i cant study with that angryness
WENT BACK TO MY BED IN TEARS AND FELL ASLEEP
can someone even imagine my anger???
when i woke up it was abt 11am
and dad had to meet some ppl before he flies off on sun night
which is right on that day
so he was away
then my mum told me something abt wat he said when i went back to slp
to my mum
"This gal asked her to study then went back to slp"
"still have to prepare the 6800 rmb for her china itp"
"bought luggage bag and spent so much money for her china itp"
"then u this mother still go mkt buy breakfast for her to eat"
he said all these in a joking manner (according to my mum)
my mum was laughing as she was saying all these
after saying i laughed a *fake laugh* and my mum went to do hsework
and i was left with my fmkt notes
staring blankly with tears in my eyes
i know u wont get to see this but
i'm sorry dad really sorry
i know u did everything for me
-spent so much money on my china itp
-applying 2 credit cards
-paying abt $150+ for all my formal wears
-buying me a ELLE bag at $126
-bought a new POLO nice bag at $65
-making sure my winter cloak is warm enough
-spending $100+ on ONE cashmere long john for me to wear inside
when the place i go the most is -10 degrees
but reluctant to buy for urself when ur always travelling
to zhang chuan that is -30 degrees
-reserving all the rmb and USD for me
-bought a china calling card and topped up with lots of rmb already
-and a lot a lot more things u all have done
the list can really go on and on
overall i really really spent too much for the preparation
too much for my liking
i'm really not a person for famous brands
heck u tell me abt all those brands
i would not even think of wanting to have them
nor do i have the interest to find out
i'm happy with 3 for $10 buck stuffs
so actually i really dun like brand talks especially with gal grp
they even plan to go shanghai during march to visit me
coz whole family worry abt me
being the 1st time away from home
and yet i still always argue with u abt church and cg
dad i really loved u and mum a lot a lot
sometimes i really rather they dun treat me so gd
i'm not worth it
wat have i done to receive such gd parents
and wat have i done to repay their kindness???
arguing again and again with them abt church and cg
i kept thinking if only
if only they treat me badly
i will have the excuse of being unhappy with them and
i wont be feeling so guilty
but who am i trying to fool *cold laugh*
i really dun demand all those luxuries
i dun care abt them at all actually
and i thought back to something
the reason i wanna go for this china itp
MAIN MAIN REASON
is becoz i wanna have a breakthrough
i wanna get past of having a curfew
coz when i come back from china
i can proudly say i'm a big gal
CANNOT have curfew!!!!!
so i can go church cg and friends outing for as long as i want
another thing he said as we wait for cab with him downstairs
"Tiffany better get ur driving license soon"
"I'll buy a smaller car for u to drive with GPS system
so u wont get lost"
i nv said a single word
i just hugged him tightly
with thousand and thousands of sorry in my heart
but i nv even uttered it once
not even once
i finally managed to cry out while typing this
feeling so unhappy but tears wont come out
i guess this is the reason for my moodyness since sun morning
now then i realise
THIS IS THE REASON
i'm really a selfish idiot
BAKA AHO!!!!
even at this moment he is working hard for the family
in Zhang Chun of China
that is cold till -30 degrees
my heart hurts when he come back
with the dried cracked skin and rashes due to the coldness
i still cannot forget that image
i'm at the cross junction again Lord
so useless right
steadfast at 1 moment
wavering the nxt
i think the poem at the bottom of my blog really reflects my life
SECOND CHANCE
if really given a 2nd chance
i really duno whether will i make the same decision again
will u Tiffany???
will I???
i duno wat i should do
wat i can do now
can anyone teach me???
i dun even know who to ask for advise
who is the one in a right place to give me advise???
maybe i can only continue to go for china itp
maybe my feelings and thoughts will be cleared after it
i hate the word "maybe"
it represents unclear and no focus
but it actually represents my life
a "maybe" life
conclusion of this entry
great love = great stress???
MAYBE i still havent found purpose in my life?("maybe" word again)
i wanna forget abt all these
even though it is an irresponsible action
i wont be able to forget ba
becoz Tiffany is a responsible person
or am I?
MAYBE my character just doesnt allow me (LAST "MAYBE")
it is 3am already....i really should get to slp
if i could manage to slp
MAYBE just hide under the blankets ba (NOT AGAIN!!!)
